Should I tell people my secret?

Forums 4. Family, Relationships And Personal Issues Should I tell people my secret?

This topic contains 10 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  simplysimple 9 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #83294

    Hi ladies,

    I badly need an advice of you all, hope you guide me to the right path.

    I have been married for more than 5 years and had never decided for a baby until 3 years, That was just a matter of choice but some people might have thought I have some problem and all because in my society other ladies are forced to have a child right after few months of their marriage. And I actually never cared of anybody talking behind my back about having kids and how I am irresponsible about starting a family etc. Then I got pregnant at around 4 years and I was happy to break other’s belief. Sadly, I had to miscarry the baby at 6 months. All relatives and few close friends knew about this as it was 6 months and couldn’t be hidden. That was a big trauma which I thought will be healed when I get pregnant again. But months turned into years and I haven’t conceived yet (I have got a right doctor recently and hope to get all well). I was in deep sadness and dark moments in my life and my friends too decreased contact with me because they were having babies and enjoying their own life. That added more pain and now I am in a state that I couldn’t see any friends/relative/cousins having babies because nearly 10 of my colleagues, more than 6 of friends and relatives had a baby in last 2 years. I turned into so dull and gained so much weight. I disconnected myself from social media and social gatherings because everyone talks either about their babies or my weight gain or me having a baby which was hurting me like hell. I attend only when there are close people who knows about my loss and I am assured nobody asks me anything.

    I was working in a big reputed company with lots of staff and had many good friends, girls/boys all. Everybody knew me because I was in higher management department and eye candy to all. Before getting pregnant first time, I left my job just to care for myself and baby but I regret it every day as it didn’t end well. I still haven’t started a new job in a hope as now I just want to think about getting pregnant and I do not want to stress me to join the new company. Nobody other knows about my loss and I also stopped to contact some of my BFFs just because if they know about my loss everybody others because they are married to my colleagues. I didn’t want to have sympathy of all and also didn’t wanted to be a person to be talked about because people there gossip a lot about others. Some colleagues still contact me and talk with me and wonders why I am not working and stay at home and then asks is there any good news? and if I tell them no, they ask or advise me about having a baby because they know I have been married since a long but I just smile and say, haven’t thought of that yet, and then cry a lot. I can understand their concern about me leaving such a bright career and doing nothing at home but I couldn’t stand to say the reality.

    Now I realize that I have put on so much pain within that I need to let it go. I realized that I cannot hide myself from people for such a long time and I have a little courage to accept the fact that I lost my baby and still haven’t any. But my problem is, there are girls and guys all who are showing their concerns and wonders about me having baby. I cannot be rude when someone initiates a talk with me after a long time because I feel lonely (none of my ex-best-friends talk to me), but I also get annoyed when boys(all are married and have child) asks me and I feel very awkward about how to tell a male friend about my pregnancy, loss story.

    At one point I feel like keeping secret but when people asks me about my family planning, it hurts a lot and I cry and become sad about the fact that they do not know.

    I want your advise that what I do, keep it secret to me and some people or have courage and let others know about the real story. And if I can tell them what is the best way?

    Thanks a lot for reading through!

  • #83317
    rumisharma rumisharma 

    1. Be bold . FAce the reality. Not having a babie is not end of the world. People who try to take conversation in negative direction , try avoiding them .

    2. Try a new. Loose weigh because too much weight also hinders with normal ovulation and cycles as it leads to hormonal imbalances generally.

    3 . Start good eating habits . Say no to carbonated beverages, processed stuff , too much refined sugar.

    4. IF possible join somewhere , or join some Dance classes, or some add on course . You will get a new bunch of friends too along with some Endorphins. IGNOU has amazing courses in casebook you are in India and they all are valid and much can be done through distance education mode.

    5. I had baby last. Year four years post marriage . It was just a mis happening and doesn’t mean at all that you can’t conceive at all.

    6. RIGht now you seem tooo stressed out and concerned only about. A baby. Relax a bit. Stress is the biggest enemy . So take it little easy . Make your self happy first. It will happen.

    7 flex seeds and cinnamon have excellent benefits in managing over all health of reproductive system. Powder them and take in warm water.

    8. Let your body recover as six month is a significant period of time .

    AND all have there secrets . It’s nothing like somebody is forcing you to tell them . It’s completely up to you. Sharing secrets will invite two kinds of opinions ; either favouring you or against you. SO it’s better to move on and instead of inviting unnecessary criticism talk about some other things. Sharing thoughts are important too but only too few close buddies whom you can trust that they won’t make mockery of your situation . Stay :cool:

    I think these will help you. ONe of my known conceived when she had a cyst and doctor said IVF is only option. ANd yes simulataneouly consult doctor. So stay positive, lose weight , get busy , take command of situation incorporate cinnamon and flax seeds to diet and try being Happy. Baby will come sooner than you will realise. Medical sciences are so advanced these days so there is no need to worry at all.

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by rumisharma rumisharma.
    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by rumisharma rumisharma.
    • #83422

      A big thank you! :) wow…I have no more words, you have almost pointed out everything that was blocking me and its way more clear to understand.

      I have been trying very hard to loose weight since last year but instead of loosing I was gaining in a rate of 1kg a month. Then I have made my hormones check and found it was hormonal imbalance issues. I feel like doctors were experimenting on me giving all kinds of different pills of different hormones to trigger everything by medicines instead of natural ovulation and everything went out of control. Now, I stopped taking anything which is hormonal and my weight is steady instead of gaining, and I feel like my efforts will have effect now. But I know loosing weight is a long journey for me as I have gained almost 10-15kgs. But loosing a single kg will be a step forward.

      I will definitely try flax seeds and cinnamon…I have started reading books and I feel really good, I feel like it is my best friend forever.

      And I understand better, I have to face the reality but not at the cost of my peace and happiness!
      thanks a lot :smile:

  • #83326
     Saloni_fizzy sparkles 

    Ummm I think there is nothing bad in disclosing this to everyone because you have not done a crime.. it is a miscarriage that you had.. you know what you are thinking too much about it, it will always hurt to have lost your closed ones but once tell this to everybody that ask you.. tell them that you had a miscarriage and if they are sensible people, they will never raise a “baby” topic since they know it would hurt you.. if you face it boldly, trust me no one will ask you.. and if they do, open up with the reality, there is nothing bad in that… start up your life, be happy, being stressed may also be one of the reasons why you might not be conceiving.. a sister of mine lost her baby in the 6th month too, and we do not ask her anything at all. she shall plan a baby whenever she wants.. bad people are all around, if not the baby they will talk about something else.. so ignore them, stay happy, join yoga classes, do things that you like, meet your friends, and do as the doctor says.. I hope everything gets well soon, just be positive and your would be there with your baby soon :high5:

    • #83423

      You are right Saloni, well actually the people who were over-concerned and who get to know about the fact don’t bother me asking anything now. But it was like, I never approached anyone from my side just because I just don’t wanted to face any questions about it. But now I think I can choose to tell or ignore and whatever the choice is, it should never hurt me, and if it hurts its better to clarify…
      I am sorry for your sister, she is lucky enough to have people like you who don’t bother her asking questions. But you can understand the situations better from her experiences. I wish her a good luck for the next :smile:

      Thanks a lot! :smile:

  • #83330
    Suguna Suguna 

    A big hug to u dear. Dont worry, rumisharma has really explained very well, follow all those. Dont stress out, thats the main reason which avoids natural ovulation. Reduce your weight by joining to Yoga, it helps a lot. Fenugreek seeds help a lot, powder it – have with warm water early in the morning. Make yourself busy by doing something, dont stress out. You will conceive normally. Just enjoy life, that only yields a good result which you wanted.

    • #83424

      Thanks Suguna for the hugs, I was badly missing it…I have heard of soaked fenugreek but never tried it because it tasted so bad, but powdering it and taking it without soaking seems nice idea!

      Thanks :smile:

  • #83386

    Hi simplysimple,

    Know what you are going through, also want to tell you that most of the women miscarry their first pregnancy but they do before actually realizing they are pregnant, but you since you miscarried at 6 months, I can understand your loss. Come out of it, because to conceive again, you need to be completely stress free, otherwise, it will play with your hormones and decrease your chances. You need an outlet – indulge in retail therapy, connect with genuine friends.

    Also, stop talking about your loss, the best way to do it to change the topic immediately – this way, people would get it that you don’t want to talk about it. Trust me, it works! If you have to change topics 1000 times in a day, do it, because after a few days, people will understand that you are not gonna talk and they will stop.

    • #83425

      Thanks Jomol,
      It was actually all the hormones that made my efforts hard but now I am slowly coming out of the shock, and that’s 100% true that changing the topic is the best way I could do and I tried a lot but then to keep that pain inside made it hard to forget it. And I felt like, when they don’t know about my loss they will criticize me for not having babies yet.
      But I know I have overstressed myself thinking about that all the time.
      I have to stop caring about people, give me that strength!

      Thanks a lot :smile:

  • #83434
    Nidhi Nidhi 

    Big hug to you Simply Simple! I can totally understand your situation. Been there done that. I miss-carried twins at 22 weeks.
    It was a dark phase. Everybody starts giving unsolicited advice regarding doctors, natural remedies, pills etc.
    What got me through was
    1. Job Change: Since you are already on a break, it would be good if you could join back. Try for some other company.
    2. Cutting Contact with Over considerate people: Trust me, they get sadistic pleasure out of it.
    3. Start Traveling with you husband: We started back on our trekking expeditions.
    4. Stop thinking about baby: We stopped trying and started going with nature’s wish. We even decided to go for adoption if we can’t have our own. It reduced my stress levels too. Just to tell you – I’m a mom to a 3yr old now.
    5. Loose Weight: Easier said than done, but this is the most important thing to do. Join a gym or zoomba or swimming. This way you will get a new social circle too. If anybody asks about kids, just tell them, you are not ready yet. This is what I used to say. Now that I have a daughter, people ask, when are you planning for a boy. It is soo irritating. But i rely – NEVER. This shuts them up :biggrin:

    Reach out to me if you need to talk.

    If I need the moon, I'll bring it down myself!

    • #83558

      Thanks Nidhi, I feel like I am not alone now, but loosing babies after half the journey is really painful and you can feel it better. I am really happy to know you have came out of it and have a lovely girl. And people are still so much concerned about having a boy than a girl and that I hate the most. Having your own child is best gift of God, boy or girl. And those old mentality of having a boy and ghar ka chirag is so stupid, its upto the parents who have to decide not the other people. But you face it so bravely :jaiho: !

      Just wanted to ask few questions as you have been on the same journey. (If it’s personal I will be fine if not answered, please don’t mind). when again you conceived after your loss. I know it takes a time and we must give. I am asking this because I am still struggling since nearly 2 yrs, the sad thing was all others were forcing me to go to another doctor and was blaming doctor is not good and all. and the new one was quite good at knowledge but not by nature and after every failed month asked us to go for IVF and horrified me a lot by saying you have less follicles and not of good quality and all…I changed to new one and so far I have good experience, now hoping for the best.

      thanks a lot! :cool: :smile:

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